My spiritual winter almost destroyed me

Story of a Christian with years of challenges

Initially, I planned on writing a big success story when I finally made it out of my season of spiritual winter (a challenging period in your Christianity that causes negative feelings such as sadness, pain, and loneliness)

I have changed my mind.

1. I don’t want any of the harsh feelings of winter to escape me before I get a chance to word them

2. I am not the only one going through winter; this article could encourage someone who needs it now.

My first of two seasons of winter happened in 2020 when I was fresh out of college. We all remember that as the year when the COVID-19 pandemic coughed us into an era of face masks, hand sanitizers, and lockdowns. For me, I was also sentenced to rock bottom. For the first time in 22 years, I did not know what to do with myself. There was nothing to look forward to, no classes to take the next academic year, none of my typical work and travel programs in the US, and all the jobs I applied for during my final semester canceled their hiring process. 

My HP laptop, which was beginning to crack in the corner above the power button, bore witness to all the days of effort I put into crafting the perfect cover letters and modifying resumes to send to the next organization. The days turned into months, and the months turned into a year of grim, bitter winter. 

A heavy downpour of defeat blanketed my mind. “How is it that I left college with a first-class honors degree yet ended up here, can't land a job, and living with my parents? What did I do wrong? Why is this happening to me?” 

Each time I opened my laptop to check if someone had responded to one of my 50 million applications, the crack in the computer grew a little wider. So did my spirit as I stared blankly at the promotional emails mocking my despair.

During this winter season, I watched myself shut down. First, my vibrance and exuberance made room for feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. I could hardly bring myself to move from the “comfort” of my room. Seldom did my mouth manage to chalk up a few words in response to unsolicited conversations from my family, and the fat between my skin and bones rapidly evaporated. Only a frail body and a broken spirit were left to withstand the cold.

My undergraduate degree in Psychology taught me enough to understand I was headed down the path of depression. In all my years of studying, I never imagined that could happen to me. I was “Ms. Life of the Party,” “Ms. Always Down for a Good Time.” Yet here I was, ghostly, empty, and unrecognizable to myself. 

Photo by Todd Trapani on Unsplash

At the time, I was a Christian but very good at it, as I talked about in this article. Still, I sought God. All other options would have led to a path of destruction. The Lord was my only hope. 

Someone said, “When you hit rock bottom, remember, Jesus is the rock at the bottom.” This statement cemented a place in my mind because I have lived its truth. 

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;

 My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;

 My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2 NKJV

I cried to God, and after enduring a few more months of blizzards and snowstorms, I went to the US for a one-year paid internship. 

The season of winter ended. For a while.

Upon my return to Jamaica, season two started. I again found myself with additional training, no job, and a failed business. However, this winter, though just as long and frigid as the first, is more bearable because I have a closer relationship with God.  

Every time I feel disappointed by a “We regret to inform you” email, Jesus hands me a warm blanket. Whenever I get too cold and sad, He lights me a bonfire. Throughout this period of unemployment, I have lacked nothing. God took care of all my needs, and I have never experienced so much favor finding me in all my life. 

There are still a few days when I cry or throw a tantrum (or both.) Each time, Christ comforts, helps and provides for me. This season has taught me the true meaning of Proverbs 3: 5-6 NKJV: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” 

Additionally, I have learned how to surrender to God, pray in the spirit, and take Him at His word. If I had it my way, I wouldn’t know God like I do now.  

The fact is both Christians and non-Christians face winter. Some of us dread going home because it’s hard to be around our family; some are as broke as a bat with bills piling up, and others are grieving the loss of a loved one or themselves. Whatever the reason for your cold, harsh season, Jesus is the warmth you need to get you through. 

Winters are brutal, but they are more tolerable with Jesus. 

“…Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Psalm 30:5